Creep

Last one on this topic, then I'm moving on…

I felt like a bit of a creep earlier this week. Still kinda do a little bit, though as I so often do I feel I've probably blown things out of proportions.

But that video you posted… It caught me so completely off guard. I have no idea how many times I let Instagram repeat it, my heart simply melting away, before I was finally able to force myself to close it (though… I turned the sound off after only a couple loops… sorry, it's cute but only so much of that voice that I could take, lol… now if you had been singing instead of lip-syncing…).

Even if you did put it out there at least a bit for me to see… did you really want me to just sit there slack jawed and mesmerized for… I dunno, however long it was? (the funny thing about it bothering me so much is that if it had been me, then that's exactly the effect I would hope it would have on you, lol)

I thought for a bit about what it is, specifically, about that video. You've posted several now, and while I've watched every single one of them at least once, none have captivated me like that one did. I thought… perhaps it's the call to “be just a little bit naughty”. I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to cross the line with you. Did some part of me think maybe it was a call to action?

But, no… I'm not saying that wasn't part of it, but no.

It's the smile. The way it unfolded. I love your smile. My god do I love your smile. And this video, it reminded me of a moment, late last summer, a moment which so inspired me that I wrote a brief letter (though it seems to have somehow escaped the archives). About watching your smile blossom, like a flower opening to the sunlight, and knowing that I was the cause. Because I got to see you first, in that crowd, and the transformation when you caught sight of me… Oh. Oh. It still melts my heart, nearly a year later.

And that cute little video of you… it reminds me of that moment. A lot.

I always want to make you smile.

So I sat there and watched it happen, over… and over… and over. My heart aching to see it in person, aching to hold you, aching to hear your voice. Until I started feeling like I had overdone it. That I had let it repeat one or two or twenty too many times. And tore my eyes away. A bit disgusted with myself. A bit nauseous. Too much. It was too much. I started telling myself I was being creepy. I was a creep.

Then that door, which is always only just barely held shut anyways, burst open… and the doubts started rushing in. You didn't want this. You don't want this sort of attention, and definitely not from me.

I know enough by now that these doubts shouldn't be able to overtake me anymore, but… this situation. The lack of clear communication. The fact that we can't just fucking talk about it.

Then, very early the next morning, I read something on unsentletters. Written by a complete stranger, not someone who has anything to do with either one of us, even if their situation sometimes sounds so, so similar. And it served as an amplifier for those doubts. For those feelings of being a creep. Even though it's completely unrelated to us.

So I'm going back to treating unsentletters as a write-only medium. It's worked well for me before. There is something far more therapeutic about posting letters here than just on my website where almost no one reads them. But I can't read others' letters here anymore. It doesn't do me any good. I'll miss it. Reading other people's expressions of love and longing is… fascinating. Sometimes inspirational. But my mental health…

I'm not as stable as I would like to think.

As so often happens, a few days pass… and so does the feeling. Maybe I was being a tad creepy. Probably not as much as I feared. And I'm pretty sure one particular friend of mine would tell me, just having that self awareness means I'm not, actually, being a creep. Maybe.

I just hope I get to see you soon.

Seeing that smile in real life does such amazing things for my soul…